Tears of the Lost
by TheCreativeOne17
Summary: Tony was only less then two feet away when his partner and friend was shot and killed. The guilt overwhelms him and makes him feel like it was his fault for Kate's death.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello friends! This is my first NCIS fanfic. I just starting watching the show a couple of months ago so I don't have a complete hold on mastering the characters, but if you'll be patient with me and you love Tony Angst...this should be entertaining for you. Feel free to let me know when you see something off or any other critiquing remarks. Thanks! :)_

The sun squeezed its rays past the closed blinds. Dust particles fluttered as if they were dancing under a spot light. The room was dark besides where the sunlight streamed in. Not only had there been no light fueled by electricity, but the mood was dark. The room had been so full of grief that anyone could cut it with a plastic knife.

On the edge of the unmade queen sized bed, Senior Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo sat hunched over without his shirt on staring at an object in his hands. The object was one of power. It could be used for so many things. He had used it for protecting the innocent more times that he could count. He had seen it used for evil when used to take away a life. But not even a week ago, he had seen it used to take away his colleague and friend away.

Somehow seeing humans being shot countless times causes a once a detective in a rough neighborhood and now special agent to grow desensitized. It is a slow and subtle change.

Tony remembered full well the first time he saw a man have bullet hurdle through his chest. His eyes flew open and blood spilled out. As life was being taken away he fell to his knees, Tony felt his heart fall to his stomach. After the body was collected, he walked around his car and threw up. Tony actually lost all bladder control when the seconds after he fired the weapon. The site made him sick to his stomach. It was one thing to see a person get shot, but entirely different burden to be the one firing the weapon.

But somehow as time passes by, a seasoned veteran grows numb to seeing the act or doing it. It is an entirely different story is when a colleague is shot when he standing right there.

Remembering everything that had happened, Tony's breathing began to grow heavier and heavier. He loaded the small gun in his hands and put it to his temple. With his eyes squeezed shut, sweat running down his neck, and heart pounding his shaking finger began to pull back the trigger.


	2. Chapter 2

The cold air had enough strength to travel through clothing and thick skin to find solace in the bone. Wind blew soft enough to encourage the voyage. Trees stood barely hanging onto their leaves as if it was their last chance of cover from the upcoming winter. The sun tried to make a dominant presence, but offered no comfort or warmth with the clouds blocking.

Tony, his boss Leroy Jethro Gibbs, and their partner Kate stood on a roof a building. Kate was lying on the ground after pushing her boss out of the way of an upcoming bullet. While Gibbs instantly fired his weapon at the perpetrator, Tony fell to Kate's side. He could not believe that his partner just got shot especially when he was supposed to have her six. He had failed. The guilt began to crash down over him when she opened her eyes.

"Am I dead?" Kate asked.

Tony's eyes darted up to her face to see her warm smile. Relief threw out the guilt and invited itself in. He allowed a goofy smile to take over his face. He could have nearly kissed her beautiful pink lips in absolute joy, but knew he couldn't get away with that quite yet. He needed to express his long hidden feelings first.

Over dinner. That night.

"Hey DiNozzo, are you going to stand there and let your drool fall on my face or help me up?" she questioned with a sneer bringing him back to planet Earth.

Tony let an embarrassed laugh come out, as he offered her his hand. He helped pull her up as she grunted. Kate placed her hand on her chest and pulled off her jacket. Underneath, her bullet proof vest caught the bullet before it could enter into her heart. The hit area was a bit sore nothing compared to what it could have been. She breathed a sigh of relief escaping death once more.

Gibbs came over to check on her. Seeing both men she had grown to respect and trust her life with be full of concern was a weird adjustment. She did not know if she could get used to it. Probably wouldn't last long anyway. Tony's genuine concern lasted shorter then a kindergartner's attention span. Or at least that's what he the facade he put on. Some days, Kate truly wished he would let his caring side out. She truly enjoyed it.

When the two were in the hospital just three weeks ago and Tony found that Kate was "infected" with the same virus, his fascade crumbled longer then it normally did. Even in the blue lights, she could see his eyes descend in color as he apologized. It took everything in her not to wrap her arms around her at that moment and be the one to apologize. He was the one who was about to die. Not her.

"You did good." Tony alleged as he took a step to the right.

"For once, DiNozzo's right." Gibbs added his own short but sweet compliment.

Kate would take it. Compliments from Gibbs were rare. She found herself chuckling. "Wow. I thought I die before I would hear a compliment-"

A sound of a gunshot sliced through the air. Before anyone could blink, the bullet ran past where Tony just stood and intruded Kate's forehead at full force. Her blood splattered all over her partner's face as she fell to the ground. Her head made a sickening crunch as it connected with the pavement. Tony watched her like it was slow motion horror scene. He went to grab her, but his arms didn't move.

Blood pooled around Kate's head. Her dark eyes failed to blink and began to decrease in color. Tony's knees gave out. He fell down next to his partner's dead. All his abilities of keeping his emotions in a locked closet crumbled, as he watched the color drain from her skin. He grabbed her jacket with trembling hands. His hammering heart fell to his stomach. He could feel the bile rising in his throat, but fought it.

Generally, anytime Gibbs was around Tony made sure to put on a brave face. He tried to impress his boss with his courage, strength, and fortitude. Something he wished his father was able to see in him, so he often channeled his efforts to focus on his boss. But with Kate dying right in front of him, Tony disregarded any attempt to put on a brave face. Everything in him crumbled.

It was all his fault.


	3. Chapter 3

_Annoying Author's note: I know you people are reading this but so far I have got a review for every chapter. I am an affirmation addict, I need more then that. Come on, share what you are thinking. ;) These are really short chapters and to that I am sorry. Trying to get into Tony's head is complicated. _**  
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**T**he car ride back to work had been excruciating silent. Tony stared out the window watching the world act as if nothing ever happened. How did the world manage to keep on spinning when it had lost an incredible agent and woman? Tony swallowed the rock forming in his throat and continued to watch. Even on this chilly day, people filled the streets of Washington, DC. He saw them laughing, smiling, talking on their phones, living and breathing.

Stopped at a red light, Tony saw a man and a woman sitting at an outdoor restaurant. The man had his arms wide out as he looked like he was telling a story. The woman looked fully into it. Her face suddenly broke out in a wide smile and a laugh over took her.

The innocent sight made Tony sick with jealousy and anger. How could life go on like normal from this point? Losing his partner and friend was truly a horrendous feeling he never would wish on anyone. The idea of Kate being dead swarmed around his head. He felt like he was stuck on a merry go around. His head spun violently. The car coming to stop in NCIS parking lot did it for him.

Tony flung open the door and just before a wave of heaving began. He unlatched his seat belt and fell to the hard ground. He sat on all fours as his body tried to bring up his breakfast. Sweat rolled down his neck. His heart pounded faster and louder than an entire drum line in a marching band.

Gibbs's shoes showed up in his line of vision of the payment. Suppressing the heaves, Tony managed to speak with a shaky voice "Boss, I would move if you don't want my breakfast all over your shoes."

"DiNozzo." Gibbs with his cold stoic voice spoke.

Feeling the bile rise higher and higher, Tony warned again not looking up "Seriously boss, you better move."

"Anthony." This time with a soft and gentle voice.

Everything in Tony froze. The bile paused from its voyage up his throat, his heart slowed down dramatically, and he raised his eyes upward. He had rarely heard his boss use his full first name and even then it was extremely rare to hear him say it in the gentle tone. A tone much like one you would use for a child. Generally that would irk Tony, but it instantly calmed everything down inside. Funny and almost pathetically enough, it made him want to burst out crying.

"I know this is hard," Gibbs continued. "But we are going to continue our jobs. We will find Ari and make him pay for what he did. I need you at your best so we can give Kate the justice she deserves. You understand me?"

Tony blinked several times and rose to his feet. His boss was absolutely right. He had to shake off his own personal feelings and do his job. "Yes, boss." He spoke firmly.

All three men Gibbs, McGee, and Tony stared at each other. There was a silent agreement that they would stop at nothing till Ari was found. They made their way into the building.

The bile still churned in Tony's stomach. He would have to move forward with the intent to bring justice for his partner. Somehow the idea of life without her just seemed so empty already. He had a job to do and that could distract him plenty hoping the feelings would numb away.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hello all- sorry for the delay in updates. Been through a lot in the past month and trying to squeeze out creativity for this has not been a priority. We should be good now. Hope you like this chapter. :)_

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Tony, Gibbs, and McGee all walked into the building. Everyone spun around the office as if nothing happened. Their averted eye contact, redirected routes, and hushed conversations made a blaring statement that they all knew someone on the team was killed on the line of duty. Word had gotten out but no specifics on who. The process of elimination let them find out though.

Their pitiful looks sickened Tony for two reasons. The team did not need pity, they needed justice. And he almost felt like their looks shot right through his tough exterior and resided right in him. Were they thinking it was his fault that his partner was shot? They had to be. He was supposed to have her six. How could he let her down?

When the three member team entered their little office area, Gibbs ordered the other two towards his desk. As he sat down in his chair, he looked up at both of them. McGee looked him right in the eye waiting for what for him to talk. His eyes looked sad and lost with grief. Tony failed to make eye contact. His eyes were fixated on the blue carpet beneath his feet.

"I want the two of you to take off the rest of the day. Losing a partner is never easy." As the boys went to protest, "Do what you need to do, but come back tomorrow ready to fight for justice."

The boys, who looked like lost puppies, nodded in sync. Before they could turn away, Gibbs handed a folder full of papers to Tony. "Before you leave DiNozzo, run this down to Abby."

Tony nodded taking the folder. He had to figure out how he would get in and out of the lab without Abby seeing him. He had little strength in him to face her. He knew she would barrage him about questions about the day and that she would need comfort. He could provide her nothing. He was numb in his own grief to offer her any solace.

The elevator down was much too quick to devise a plan. All he could think of was to slip the folder on the first flat surface and run out. When the doors slid open however, Abby was nowhere to be seen. She was not standing at her computer. Tony peeked his head in to see if she was at her desk. She was not there. Maybe she was talking everything over with Ducky. Ducky was the glue that held the little NCIS family together during the hard times.

Feeling it was safe for him to put the folder by her computer, Tony waltzed in. He put the folder down, turned his body around which caused a surge of pain to run up his back. He still felt pretty weak from his battle with the plague. Every time he thought about the past three weeks it brought humor to him. Who, in the twenty first century, gets bubonic plague? Only him.

As Tony winced in the aching muscles in his back from spending too many hours gasping for air, he heard a sniffle. She was in there. He found her small little body curled up under the table near the door holding onto a stuffed animal. She stared right past him with her dark eyes swimming in tears. Tony wish he had the heart to ignore her and walk pass as if he didn't see her. He already failed one of the woman in his life today, he couldn't possibly fail another.

"Hey Abs, you got room down there for one more?" Tony inquired gently.

Abbey slowly nodded with her eyes still fixated on the ground. Her chin rested on the stuffed animal's head. Tony crawled next to her despite the soreness his body felt. He curled up next to her and fixated his eyes in the same place she did. Abby was the sister Tony never had. They bantered a lot, did a lot of fun things outside of work, and he loved to be there for her. Anytime they were together whether at work, in a movie theater, or other places they frequented they were constantly getting into trouble for laughing and being too loud. Abby allowed Tony the experience of letting his guard down and allowing his goofy side to come out. He had no need to attempt to impress her. His raunchy humor had been just his mask but with her he could remove it.

But at this moment, the two who never shared a single moment of awkward silence, were both paralyzed in numbing grief. The words swirled around Tony's head, but none could make it out of his tongue. The vision of Kate's dead body hurdling to the ground replayed over and over again. He shook his head violently trying to get it out of his head.

"I just want to know why." Abby choked.

With his head resting on his crossed arms that sat on his legs, Tony shifted his eyes over in her direction. The uneasiness of her voice caused his heart to ache. He shakingly brought out his hand to rub her back. Before he met her, touch was just a sensual thing. He never grew up with touch as a means of comfort. She had taught him that. It took some getting used to and even now it was hard, but he reached out regardless.

As if his touch was a bolt of electricity, Abby jolted and her eyes fired at him "Why did you let her die, Tony?"

Tony pulled back his hand as guilt caved in. Her once wet and grief stricken eyes turned into two windows of the anger in her soul. "I…I had no idea it was going to happen, Abby. I…I"

"Why didn't you have her six?!" Abby's generally sweet demeanor melted under her rising anger, she got up from under the table and stared down at Tony.

She loved the man like he was her own older brother, but right now her spinning emotions made her sick. She had to get out her aggression, hatred, and downright sadness out on someone. Tony happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was right in the path of her projecting anger.

The way Tony remained underneath the table barely able to make eye contact typically would have broke Abby's heart, but she needed this outlet. It almost made her angrier that he couldn't look her in the eye. That showed he knew he had failed. Her anger could not have been irrational if he knew he had messed up.

Still unable to meet her blazing gaze, Tony tried to speak softly and slowly "Abs, I…"

Abby would and could not hear his excuses or his apologies. She covered her ears and shouted "I don't want to hear it! Get it out!"

Tony watched the girl's lips quiver. He knew she could not have meant it. Obviously, the grief was too overwhelming. Generally when the goth was hurting, he would, out of his comfort zone, comfort her with physical touch. Tony rose to his feet and walked over to her. He reached out his arms to hold and pull her in. He touched her shoulders, Abby without thinking slapped him right across the face.

"I said get out!" she bellowed.

The stinging sensation on his cheek held no candle to the emotional pain. Tony withdrew his arms and turned around. He stepped away with not only his ego fractured, but his heart aching more than it had when he originally walked in the lab. Still holding his burning cheek, he stopped at the door and without looking at her, uttered shakingly;

"For what it's worth Abby, I am sorry."


End file.
